"A little back-to-school shopping?" asked the Trader Joes clerk, as she rung up the various snack items I had purchased for our new international student.
"Something like that." I replied, as the enormity of the situation began to register.
The summer is over. It feels like it never even happened.
When I left you in May, the summer was just beginning to take shape. OMP and I were to enjoy a relaxing beach getaway. We would purchase a new car and, with the help of professional movers, move into a fabulous new apartment. OMP would finish his dissertation. I would design the most perfect nursery the world had ever seen. And I would continue to work full-time, never missing a beat professionally. Sure it's a lot to get done, but you know how we roll - always big, better, last minute, and with a flourish.
Instead, the summer began with a call from my Grandmother, asking what I knew about dialysis, as my Papa had recently been diagnosed with chronic kidney disease.
Actually, that's not quite true. The summer began with a call from OMP's father, letting us know that his grandfather had a recent apneic episode with loss of consciousness. He had a short hospital stay and made a quick recovery. Not long after his discharge, the phone rang again. This time, it was OMP's grandmother, who had suffered a heart attack. Her recovery and discharge were not as quick (she is actually still recovering), but the news was generally optimistic.
That's when my grandmother called. Papa had been diagnosed with CKD. OMP and I were filled with a sense of foreboding. Within a few days, he progressed from Stage VI to Stage V Renal Failure. They started dialysis. He died 5 days later.
A blog entry is a hopelessly underwhelming way to remember such an extraordinary man. I will not attempt to do so, at least not today, but suffice it to say that the world is a better place because of my Papa. I am certainly a better person, and I can't think of a single person who knew him and was not in some way touched by his presence.
I don't know why God chose to call my Papa when he did. I wish I could say I saw the logic to his plan, but I can't, at least not yet. Neither can I say that I'm filled with righteous anger at his passing because I'm not. I am sad, plain and simple. I am sad because I loved him and I miss him.
My Papa's passing cast a shadow across the summer. My family took it hard. I took it hard. Plans unraveled. Our utopian summer was reduced to a series of boxes to check off. And as the summer progressed, it became increasingly difficult to do so.
We bought a car. It was a process and it cost quite a bit more than we expected.
We moved into a new apartment, no thanks to me. I worked full-time, sure, but by the end of the day I was too exhausted to even think about packing. And fun fact, professional movers are in high demand in big cities the first week of August. We instead relied on the gracious support of my parents. I think my mother packed about 75% of our belongings and she, my father, and OMP moved all 6 rooms of ours into our new 3 stories.
OMP did not finish his dissertation. He was busy packing, unpacking, and putting out various fires along the way.
I laugh at the idea of completed nursery.
Our beach getaway was condensed to one night. We camped. All 31 weeks of my pregnant self slept on an air mattress. All things considered, it was probably the most glorious vacation of my life because it was so necessary.
And my blog? My poor, hopeless, neglected blog has not been updated. I simply haven't had the energy.
God's plan for my Papa may still be a mystery to me, but on the subject of my humility, I have heard Him loud and clear. I am not in charge. I cannot conquer the world single-handedly. My plans are so small and short-sighted compared to His. There are some big changes coming in my life. The summer is over, and things are about to get real.
Of course, the summer was not without its positive notes. Babykirk continues to grow and thrive. I was gifted with not one, but two beautiful baby showers. We are thrilled to welcome our new international student to our new home tomorrow afternoon. All of these things deserve their own updates, and will get them in time.
For now, I will start going to bed earlier. I will try to loosen my grip on my unrealistic ideals. And I will try to take some comfort in the knowledge that God's got this, even when my best laid plans fall apart.
